LIttle moments like this...

...remind me of my blessings and the beautiful life I have. Sometimes, it is the unexpected, the unplanned, that creates the best memories. I'd have to say it happens like that the majority of the time.

I decided to take a brief, spur-of-the-moment trip to the scrapbook store yesterday morning. As I was leaving, I asked my boys if they wanted to come with me, assuming they would say "no" since they are always bored and getting yelled at by me when they come. To my surprise, and honestly disappointment, they both were overly enthusiastic about going. So, I started praying for patience as I loaded them into the car, desperately needing Starbucks to calm my anxiety.

As I dreaded pulling into the parking lot, I noticed a huge fire truck at Lowe's. I thought we'd go see it real fast, because a fire truck is a win-win for the three of us. The boys get to climb in the truck and see real firemen. I get to see real firemen. Win-WIN!!! ;) It ended up being Lowe's Build and Grow day and the kids were building their own fire trucks! While we missed actually seeing the fire truck up close, we had so much fun hammering nails and building fire truck toys, complete with siren sounds. I stood in awe over how big the boys are getting and how it is in these moments that I see how important bring a mom is and, really, how important it is to just go with the flow. Those memories, the surprise of doing something fun and boyish, was better than anything I could have planned that day.

Plus, it made the trip to the scrapbook store uneventful with their new toys to keep their attention.

Enjoy the photos!!!

Life this past week or so

I wrote a blog about being lonely a little while ago. The next day a great friend of mine called and guess where the conversation lead? Yep. To us being lonely. Just hearing her voice made me feel less alone, though we are three thousand miles apart. It was the jump start I needed.

This week I have gone to the gym four days in a row. Three if this days I had to talk myself into it, but I did it. Tomorrow will be no different :) no weight loss yet, but I have to be building some muscle.

The group I am leading at church is amazing. God I'd already working in lives and hearts. I love facilitating it. I think I may have found a ministry I want to be a part of for a while, if not long term. I am so excited that God is using me to help people find their identity in Christ and own their stories.

Last night, I went to my other group and really felt connected for the first time. Maybe bc it was smaller, and the people who were there were the ones I relate to the most. I left feeling great and it continued into today :)

Work, well it is still boring, but I am getting some great responsibilities and experiences. I am now the go-to person for everyone who works from home (about 20 people.) we are also hiring more next week and I am going to be holding the online training and conference call. How awesome is that?!? It is great to be in a place where my skills are utilized and my goals for my future are being considered and given opportunity to grow. Next, I want a raise, but I'll wait a bit to ask for one.

I may have found a great family law attorney. Will update later.

Austin is doing great in school. I have had so much patience with the boys. I don't feel as depressed since starting to work out and eating less junk ( I think my group at church is helping a lot too.)

Life just feels ok. Skies are bluer lately.

Oh and I have never been a jewelry person, but I am LOVING big and dangling earrings :)

Where to find the time

I have so much I want to share, but never enough time to blog. Nothing too exciting, but skies are looking bluer in my life. :)

Maybe tonight.

Lonliness

How is it that I feel the most lonely when I am with a group of people?

A group of people who are eventually supposed to be like family...community to me...

There's nothing wrong with them. I love them all dearly, but I just don't connect with them all but a few. 

I feel like I should leave them feeling refreshed and excited for the time we spent together, but instead I leave feeling more alone than ever. I leave feeling defeated. I leave wanted to cry...and tonight I did. 

Maybe it is the frustration of feeling like I will never find a group of friends again that are like my family. Friends, together, that really know me and I know them. Friends that really share life together. I miss my friends. I miss my one-on-one friends who live scattered across the country because the military has split us physically. I miss the ones who live close, but are so busy. I miss the group of friends I left behind in AZ...a church of people who my family and my community. We really shared life together. 

Almost every single one of the friends my heart is aching for are friends I met while married. I am having such a hard time meeting friends now. I didn't meet these friends through my ex or because of him, I connected with each of them on my own (minus one or two.)

Maybe I am just depressed. And that scares me. 

I have so much I am blessed with and a burning desire in me to live my life, but I am struggling to make it happen. I know things will get better. They have to. Maybe some Welbutrin and counseling will help.

(please don't respond to this with pitty or "things will get better." In fact - tonight I just want to vent with no comments.)

I will NOT cry!

My drive home from work includes a pass right by my son's elementary school. 

I saw all of the cars in the parking lot for the parents and kids that were there

checking the class lists that posted today and I started to tear up. 

My little boy starts Kindergarten tomorrow. 

I will NOT cry!!!

Tomorrow...

I just might tonight...

One Year Sober

This was in today's newspaper. How perfect for the on year ... Of me being divorced. 

I don't want to call it an anniversary. I'd like to keep that word for happy and joyous times. I don't know what to call it. After today, I think it will be known as "September 1st."

Today was very uneventful. My head knew what today was, but my heart felt nothing. 

It was neutral. 

Not happy. 

Not sad. 

Maybe finally healed?

Today also marked my sobriety birthday of one year without dating.

Coincidentally, ok, maybe it was a "God thing", I met with my pastor to discuss facilitating a group at church. My Paster married his wife later in life. She was a single mom whose ex-husband left her as well. He also took a year off from dating at one point in his life. I am so encouraged by their story. I pray that my story will be just as encouraging to people in my group starting in September.

So the point of today's story?

God has blessed me beyond measure through something I thought would destroy me. Something beautiful is happening with this new start.