Wednesday, September 14, 2011


How is it that I feel the most lonely when I am with a group of people?

A group of people who are eventually supposed to be like to me...

There's nothing wrong with them. I love them all dearly, but I just don't connect with them all but a few. 

I feel like I should leave them feeling refreshed and excited for the time we spent together, but instead I leave feeling more alone than ever. I leave feeling defeated. I leave wanted to cry...and tonight I did. 

Maybe it is the frustration of feeling like I will never find a group of friends again that are like my family. Friends, together, that really know me and I know them. Friends that really share life together. I miss my friends. I miss my one-on-one friends who live scattered across the country because the military has split us physically. I miss the ones who live close, but are so busy. I miss the group of friends I left behind in AZ...a church of people who my family and my community. We really shared life together. 

Almost every single one of the friends my heart is aching for are friends I met while married. I am having such a hard time meeting friends now. I didn't meet these friends through my ex or because of him, I connected with each of them on my own (minus one or two.)

Maybe I am just depressed. And that scares me. 

I have so much I am blessed with and a burning desire in me to live my life, but I am struggling to make it happen. I know things will get better. They have to. Maybe some Welbutrin and counseling will help.
(please don't respond to this with pitty or "things will get better." In fact - tonight I just want to vent with no comments.)
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